So sweet but so sleepy.

“It’s no secret that getting something for free feels very good. Zero is not just another price, it turns out. Zero is an emotional hot button – a source of irrational excitement” – Dan Arierly from Predictably Irrational.

Few things make me feel as much like an adult (in a bad way) as filling out insurance paperwork. Deciding between the high or low deductible plan, whether or not to include my husband on my vision insurance. Asking him his SSN again because I haven’t yet memorized it. Pretax, after tax, wondering if any of this will leave me with a decent paycheck or just this building headache.

Insurance sucks. The only thing worse than dealing with insurance is not having it when you need it.

One of the happiest days of my pregnancy was when I learned that prenatal care was covered at 100% before the deductible. I had been thinking I’d still have to meet my deductible before coverage would start at 80%. I was thrilled because this meant my visits and most of my labs and ultrasounds were practically free!

Turns out I’m no the only one whose eyes glisten at the thought of free. My friend Adam sent us the book Predictably Irrational: The Hidden Forces that Shape Our Decisions, which through the use of social experiments has come to some interesting conclusions about the power of “free.”

Free can make us buy two items of something we don’t want just so we can get the third one free. Free can convince us to buy a lesser model that includes a voucher for something for free. Free can shut down the rational parts of our mind because we can’t beat nothing for something.

“Zero is not just another discount. Zero is a different place. The difference between two cents and one cent is small. But the difference between one cent and zero is huge!” – from Chapter 3 “The Cost of Zero Cost: Why We Often Pay Too Much When We Pay Nothing.”

Reading this I was so glad I hadn’t learned about my free prenatal care before I decided to investigate homebirth. I’m afraid like many people I would have shut down my search at learning there was a free path.

I’ve heard multiple times from friends that they would have looked in homebirths or birthing centers but their insurance only covered hospital births. Now I’m wondering if they had looked deep enough into their policies. Or if they had considered what that free cost them.

Sometimes the price of free is only more clutter. Other times it’s much more grave, as Arierly explains, “Most transactions have an upside and a downside, but when something is FREE! We forget the downside.”

For me the downside of free would have been settling with a caregiver I didn’t want and a birth I didn’t want because it was free. Free can make you feel like you don’t have a better choice, but sometimes it’s ok to pay for something even when free is sitting on the table. Healthcare is definitely one of those things, though that doesn’t mean it will necessarily be prohibitively expensive.

The same day I learned about the 100% in-network coverage, I also learned that out-of-network prenatal care such as provided by my midwife was covered at 90%.  Not free, but paying 10% for care I wanted versus 0% for care I didn’t was an easy choice. I just had to read that miserable paperwork.

Whether you’re having a child, a surgery, or a routine check-up, do not let yourself be mandated by what your insurance will cover the most or what seems free. Investigate your policy. Find out the difference between in network and out. Don’t stay with a clinic or a caregiver you don’t like just because they are in network. Learn your out-of-network coverage options.

Be as picky about your doctor as you are when you’re choosing between car models where you rarely go with the cheapest option but the option you like most within your budget. You research. You test drive. You go to multiple dealers. You know what Kelly’s Blue Book says and if someone says something that doesn’t hold up, you don’t sit there saying, “Well he’s the professional so I’ll just go along with what he says.” No you call him a crook and you move on!

Be a consumer with your health. Go for the best for you even if it’s not the cheapest option. Sometimes a 10-20% price difference is worth it to find the healthcare you desire. It was for us.

Can you see it? The guilt is right there. Right past his shoulder.

Guilt and babies are pals. Best friends. Bros. Noted confidants closer than Blanche, Rose, Dorothy and Sophia.

I find it’s hard to think about my little man without feeling his committed life partner Guilt lurking in the corner hissing.

Guilt says, “You spent 12 weeks getting to know him and what he needs and wants and he trusts you, and now you leave him with strangers who yes will make sure he is fed and dry enough but really they have how many other babies to take care of? You know he’s going to be doing a lot of sitting in bumbos, swings, bouncy seats, and in the crib wondering where you are.”

When I arrive to pick him up and his eyes are red, guilt says, “You know he does this on and off all day. He cries for you, and you don’t come.”

When I get home and I put him down in his rocker while we make dinner, guilt says, “Really, you put him down? All day you haven’t had him. You held him for what maybe 40 minutes MAX this morning between nursing him at home and nursing him at school, and now you put him down. He doesn’t know you need to eat dinner. He knows you’re here not holding him.”

After dinner when I think about reading a book, guilt says, “Holding your baby isn’t good enough. You need to read to him. You need to engage him. He needs to play. He wants to hear your voice not just be bounced in your lap while you don’t even look in his eyes.”

With his many, many thoughts, Guilt is one mouthy mother-judger.

Ennis, guilt, and I are now near the end of week three of my being back at work, and it’s not been fun. Every single time I walk in the daycare I brace myself to hear a cry. When I do, whether it’s my baby or not, I feel so guilty.

To make it even more ridiculous, I’ve been told multiple times how great he’s doing and how some babies are just so upset when they start daycare but he’s so chill and relaxed which instead of comforting makes me afraid he’s not crying enough to get his fair share of attention.

Yes, I know how crazy that sounds.

Yes, I know millions of babies survive their parents working. I was one, but man, the guilt.

It’s not the work day guilt that’s the hardest. No, the evenings are the worst because I feel bad for doing anything but enjoying every last second with him. Instead of celebrating when he takes a nap or goes to bed, I’m envious of his teachers who got to see him for 4-6 hours awake while I got 2 very sleepy hours that night.

I hate not being with him during his most active happy talkative hours. I worry that when he wants to look at a book or play peak-a-boo or just be held and smile, he’s having to entertain himself because some other baby is hungry or is upset or is having his diaper changed.

I obsess about his daily report. I wonder how he possibly only needed 3 diaper changes while using cloth diapers. I worry the teachers hate his cloth diapers because they have to change them more often. I worry worst on days when he’s been changed into new clothes because of a leak. I worry he’s going to have too many leaks, and they will demand we use disposables.

I compare his diaper changes to his bottles and his naps and try to reconstruct his day. Then I wonder why this one nap was only 10 minutes. I wonder why he slept over 4 hours one day and barely 2 the next.

Guilt tells me to think about these things and much more, but eventually I have to tell guilt to shut up because taking care of a baby is more than giving him hugs and being with him all day. It’s paying rent, electricity, and other bills. For now, we’re a 1.5 income family. Unless I really want us to live off of rice and beans and sew clothes from fig leaves, we cannot survive off of Daniel’s student stipend.

Guilt’s voice gets weaker when I remind him that we got into the daycare we wanted with people we trust, and that my employers have made it abundantly clear that I’m welcome to go visit him during the day, especially to nurse him. I remind guilt that things are not ideal but they never will be. Yes, I’d rather be home with my baby, but I’m glad we are all coping ok. I’m not crying after I drop him off and neither is he. I’m not thinking only of him all day and I doubt he’s fixated on me with all the things going on at daycare.

I tell guilt that this is hopefully only temporary. After Daniel graduates, we can try the one income situation so I spend at least a couple of years home with our babies. This could happen in as soon as a year.

So for now I’m just doing the best I can to enjoy the time we do have together even if it’s too short:

He was sitting in a bumbo at daycare the other day.

He pulled and held onto a toy in his rocker last night.

He got ridiculously excited about a new touch and feel book two nights ago.

He started grabbing at this feet this weekend.

He’ll stop nursing sometimes and suck on his thumb.

He can see us from across a room.

Not only can he see us, but when he sees us, he smiles.

I finally got around to framing his newborn photos this weekend.

I’m not sure where that little floppy baby went, but I sure do love my smiley happy at times grumpy but always cuddly baby.

He’s definitely found his hands.

Sometimes I get so sleepy

but I don't want to sit still

because I want to go outside

and see the world around me

as my daddy walks me to sleep.